we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
