Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
