i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
