Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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