sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
