Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
