He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
