I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
