I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
