And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Randomize
