Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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