I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize