The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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