So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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