I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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