got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Panties = found
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