i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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