I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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