it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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