If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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