We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
