My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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