How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
