New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
