I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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