i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
