You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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