I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
