Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
