She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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