maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
