Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I wear drunk well.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
