She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
