My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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