Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
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