I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
