I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
