Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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