i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
