dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
zippers are such a cool invention
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
