i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
