I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
