tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
