Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
