Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize