I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
