Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize