I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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