sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
