I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
