the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
