forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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