why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
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You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
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the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
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