sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
