Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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