I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The best revenge is premature balding
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
