I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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