Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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