Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
