Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
