you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
