Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
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Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
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I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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