She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
